Ever Expanding's Blog

Life is full consistencies. Either it is constantly happy or constantly sad.

I know this may sound strange but that is the truth of the matter. These days in the millennium there are no grey area's just extremes for everyone.

The people who are unhappy spend their time trying to figure out why the happy are that way and the happy cannot understand why the depressed stay the way they are. I find myself still wanting to believe it is all about the decisions we make on a daily basis big or small. However now with the US economies being as bad as it is what decision are there to make? Prices are going up on everything but houses which are going down in prices and buyers can't afford to buy so that leaves allot of people loosing their homes because they can no longer afford to pay the mortgage on their home.

So unless you own a big internet company or are already apart of a big business you are dead in the water. The job market is geared to the young ones coming up with their bachelor's degree who are still young and naïve enough to take a small pay check. This leaves people in their middle ages stuck with the minimum wage jobs that don't afford bills or even a decent life. What has happened to our country when big business is more important than education, health, home and community? We are in the computer age because we wanted to make our lives more easy and fast. I have to say I love going online and finding anything and everything that one ever wanted to know and was afraid to ask. We shop online , we read the latest news online we even date online. There are virtual worlds online that allow us to meet people without even leaving our homes and if we choose to marry that person we met "Online" we can do that too all from the comfort of our homes. Is it any wonder that the new thief is called a hacker? This is someone who can invade our lives through our computer and steal our identities cleaning out our bank accounts, use our credit cards, make use of our health insurance etc.

On the plus side the internet allows us to reach out to each other all over the world and see how the other half lives and what we have in common. The internet makes it possible to see if what the government says to us about other countries is true and in our own country.

It allows us to share stories and pictures and blog about our lives and what we think. We can do extensive research about important issues such as our health, how to info and more. Soon we will be able to vote our conscious online as well. Now that one has me a bit fearful because well there goes that hacker again.

The down side of the computer age is well Hackers!

The government does watch everything we do online and if they don't like what we're saying the government will keep close tabs on us from that moment on. This by the way is all in the name of keeping us secure from those "Evil doers" that want to take away our rights and freedoms. Am I being sarcastic? Yes but I am also telling the truth.

Back in 95 when I first started going online most everything was free. You could even go to school for free and have free internet access as well as go to any web site without worrying about paying for it or having a membership on that site. By 2000 that was pretty much over and now you have to join and sometimes pay. You can be on some sites for free but you are allowed only the most basic use or a trial for 7 days.

Being that everything is computerized now except of course us for the time being. This takes away the human factor in most things and replaces the human factor which means jobs. The government loves that Americans believe it is the outsourcing and the people who come into our country illegally but I think it is that computers have taken over with the help of big companies who run them. Sometimes I find myself missing the small mom and pop shops that welcomed you in and took the time to answer your questions. They too have been run out of town by Big Companies and our computerized world. When we started using our wonderfully convenient credit cards and ATM cards it became too expensive for the small shop owners to compete because the swipe machines cost an arm and leg and perhaps an ear to use.

So our lives have become simpler but are we happier?

I have to wonder am I the only one out there who misses the close personal touch from a real humans voice and face?

Recently I took a trip from beautiful serene Southern Oregon to busy, noisy New York City to see family. I found myself looking at peoples searching out people's faces but they were hidden by cell phones. I stood in a crowd of people at the Port Authority train station. I never felt so lonely in my life and it occurred to me I could drop dead right here and now. People I believe would walk over or around me. Please God tell me I am wrong I begged. Just then this sweet little girl walked up to me and smiled while eating her ice cream. I smiled back and felt better for that moment in time.

I called my father in New Jersey just so I could hear a familiar voice and I felt safe again. While I was down in the subway I had to ask a subway worker for directions who was just getting off work. He and his crew actually walked me half way to where I needed to go while joking and laughing about their lives.

I felt human again and my faith was restored that there was still hope for that personal touch and that all was not lost to a computer take over.

The one thing that still holds true is the need for human touch, for hand reaching out to you and meaning it! So I say don't loose yourself in the computer world. Not even for a moment because we all do still need each other. I know I still need you who ever you are.

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Hello All!
   I am writing from New Jersey where the other half of my family live.  
Spending so much time in Oregon with slightly humid/ mostly dry heat type of weather I am having a hard time adjusting to the intense humidity I am experiencing here.   
  I actually was born and raised in Manhattan, New York but I left still a teenager and moved to California which the heat there is very dry.
   So it has been years for me and since I got here last Saturday I do believe I have lost 25 lbs since it would seem I was holding more water than I realized.  You may think I am kidding.   You take a shower, dry off and then you are sweaty again and so you take a shower and so on.   You go outside and you are surrounded by a swirl of humidity that stays with you until the night falls if you are lucky it will leave then.
 How doe's one think in this type of weather?  Got me all I seem to be able to blog about is the weather.  This blog was supposed to be about family reunion reflections but the monster called humidity has grabbed my brain heeeelllllp!    
    Ok sorry I am back.  What was I saying?   Oh yeah family.  Ooops got to go sit in front of the fan again.   I will write more later on.
September 2, 2007
   I am back now from visiting my family in New Jersey.  Unfortunately I never dried off enough to be able to sit down and blog some more about my adventure there.  Thankfully I am back in Southern Oregon where I can breathe and drink water without it instantly sweating out of me.  So my focus is back to where it was meant to be when I first starting this blog.    
       My father, stepmother and little brother (17 year old now on his way to college) live in Montclair, New Jersey and I had not seen them in 7 years.  For me it was an emotional visit because there was so much to absorb and understand.  My relationship with my father is both loving and tenuous at best.  
  We both want to reach out to each other but our attempts are painful and we retreat into our polite corners to recoup before the next round.  
 However my relationship with my step-mother is great and we seem to have a caring understanding relationship that works for us.  
  Now my little brother is a whole different thing.  The poor guy is 17 with brothers and sisters who the youngest one being Me is 46 and yet somehow he handles this with humor and intelligence.
  He is a kid yet in allot of ways more mature then any of us and with surprisingly and enviously no issues about Dad or life in general.  Ok I did say he is more mature.
  He has both patience and tolerance for many things including my evil half sister (her who shall go nameless forever) that he seemingly treats like an annoying Nat he easily swats away.  I have to say I envy him.   
   Now this brings me to her who shall go nameless forever.   It would seem from the moment I arrived she had made plans to harass me by any means she could.  She made fun of what I was wearing clothes wise and my jewelry and my life in general and she is in her 50s!  I tried hard to not get caught up in her stings but unlike my younger brother swatting her away for me was not as easy due to  Issues from the past that still have me in chains. Damn it!
  My older brother I adore because he is a deep thinker and takes his time coming to any conclusions and truly does no harm in his words.  Seeing him was wonderful and I smile.
  I also got to go into the City of New York which I had not been there since forever and waay before 911.  I could not believe the changes and how Hollywood to some degree it has become.  The Subways were cleaner and I felt a little safer actually which is amazing.  When I was a child living in the city the subways always smelled of urine and I hated being there after the sun went down.  So now to see the clean floors on the trains and the stands was truly amazing!
  I had to go to The Port Authority to catch different trains or buses.
 Now let me tell you in case you don't know The Port Authority is not a police station!  I say this because when I called my boyfriend and his sister in Oregon to tell them where I was they FREAKED OUT! They both screamed Oh My God What did you do!!??   
In all fairness to them they both had worked in an airport and they thought instantly about police or security.    No I laughed almost choking on my New York style pretzel and I explained it to them as I shall now do for you.
 The Port Authority is a place where you catch the subway trains, Am Track trains, city buses or Greyhound buses or taxis.   It was always crowded and ugly when I was growing up but now it was clean and they added more stories to it.  It is now a giant Mall with tunnels in it to catch the subways etc.  
This in itself was overwhelming to me to see my childhood memory gone but the new look is better.  Of course it still has its crazy people standing around talking to themselves who I am sure in a different life were business people etc and some ones sweet child.  If you are not careful New York can swallow you whole and spit you out looking like a deer caught in headlights.  
 I got to see my cousins and run around the city taking pictures. I even took one with a wax version of Whoopi Goldberg just like a tourist.  I suppose even if you have been born in the city after being gone for 30 years you are considered a tourist and tend to behave like one.    
  I actually got to meet two cousins that I never met before but was in touch with.  That was one of the high lights of my visit.   They were the children of my father's brother whom I loved dearly and sadly died of cancer.  We had never gotten to meet due to different circumstances in our lives it just never happened and now there we were all together at last.  My uncle I knew was watching over us and beaming because we had come to a full circle in our lives and we connected and reached out to each other in a wonderful way.  
     Oh another high light of my visit was the GREAT SHOPPING!  OH my God!  
It was as if New York knew I was coming to town and the sales were delicious!  Slobber slobber.   Ok I will leave that to your imagination because my idea of sales may be different than your idea of sales so just imagine what your idea would be and drool along with me.   It was good.   For those of you that smoke go ahead and light one up inhale exhale aaaaah.  Ok
     New York was different and I tried to go to as many familiar places as I could given that I only had a week but I did well and I got to see family and friends.  All in all I am glad that I went and even spending the painful yet loving time with my father who did get me the ticket and gave me a great digital camera was wonderful.  I do love him and glad he and I are apart of eachothers lives.
Family reunions are overwhelming, painful, and difficult but they are also wonderful and confirming that you do belong to some blood line and were not just hatched out of an egg or planted by some alien.   It also helps to know that you are loved and people are happy to see you and your place on this earth matters.   So folks this is my rather long winded story about my trip back east for the summer.  Why did I blog about this because I could and perhaps for some it will be helpful.
              For those of you who have never been to New York City yes I still say go at least once in your life because it is still the city that never sleeps and it is the big delicious apple that one is glad they got to take at least one bite out of.
                                          For now this is little ol me signing off.

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Even on a bad hair day we can still fall in love.  This morning I woke up reflecting on my romantic relationship and I found myself drifting back to when we first met.  December 3^rd 2004, early evening, I was at home with my babies (that would be my 4 dogs) having a taste for bananas, apples, and oranges, and whatever else caught my fancy at the grocery store. Wondering out loud to myself I said, ‘hmm, do you really want to go to the store with your hair looking funky'? ( I had a perm then and with wet weather it would just go frizzy all over) My eyes were looking tired from dusting and cleaning the house all day.  This was my ego talking to my stomach saying, ‘ewww, we look bad'.  My stomach won out because it kept saying, ‘Yummy, bananas maybe even some yogurt, Fuji apples, oranges yum'!  Ok so fine, I touched up my hair as best as I could and went to town which was only two miles from where I live.   Cave Junction had two grocery stores at that time and it was a toss up which one I would go to. One store had a pretty good deal on apples but their bananas and yogurt were too expensive. The other one had everything I wanted at a good price except apples. So I went to Shop Smart where Fuji apples were 99 cents a pound but there was a sale on yogurt, banana's, and oranges.  I went to the fruit section, then to the dairy section, and had managed not to run into anyone I knew or God forbid.... a cute guy. Thinking I was pretty good at keeping a low profile on a bad hair day, and feeling pretty darn good about it  all of sudden standing in front of me was a very attractive man with beautiful friendly eyes smiling right at me!  Dam it, I was cornered! All I could do was smile back at him and move on fast before he noticed I looked like something the cat dragged in.  I made a hasty retreat past him and moved on to the register regretting that I did not feel good enough about how I looked to at least say hello or something.  Unbeknownst, to me he liked what the cat dragged in and was determined to find a way to talk to me.  While, I stood at the counter getting ready to purchase my items, I realized that the handsome man stood behind me and he only had one item in his hand.  Well, I thought the least I could do was allow him to go ahead of me. I motioned for him to go ahead mumbling something silly like, ‘I have more than you'.  He refused saying, ‘No that's ok'.  Ok this was too much for me because now he was up close and persona. I was finding myself taking sniffs in his general direction because I liked how he smelled. (that would be a chemical attraction working)It was manly but not pungent and then I found myself staring at his full lips and white teeth.  Suddenly I realized I was staring at his broad chest and at that point really insisted he go first.  The poor man sighed, acquiesced, and placed his bottle of Ginger beer (my favorite) on the counter to pay for it.  Whew,' ‘I thought, ‘Maybe if I am lucky he did not see my wandering eyes and this torture will soon be over'.  ‘Wait what is this', I thought, ‘why is he still standing there after he paid for his drink'?  I watched in horror while he scribbled something on his receipt and turned towards me to speak. ‘Oh No'!  ‘My name is Leo', the man said, ‘If you are not married or have a boyfriend, I would really love it if you called me sometime'. Handing the receipt to me, he flashed me another beautiful smile.  I was astounded! My hair was truly frizzy and I had my big bulky, trying to hide my figure coat on and my eyes were blood shot. I found out later all he saw was my smile, and yet he still wanted me to call him!  I was 43 years old at the time and I actually blushed and found myself stammering, ‘No, I have none of those. My name is Wendy and thank you' ‘Smooth really smooth, Wendy.'  With that, he turned and left the store leaving me with my mouth hanging open and the lady behind the register smiling, holding back the laughter at my stammering.  Let me tell you, I called him two days later (abiding by the two day rule) and 2 ½ years later, we are still together.  So I say, ‘On a bad hair day, you can still fall in love'.

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Even on a bad hair day we can still fall in love.  This morning I woke up reflecting on my romantic relationship and I found myself drifting back to when we first met.  December 3^rd 2004, early evening, I was at home with my babies (that would be my 4 dogs) having a taste for bananas, apples, and oranges, and whatever else caught my fancy at the grocery store. Wondering out loud to myself I said, ‘hmm, do you really want to go to the store with your hair looking funky'? ( I had a perm then and with wet weather it would just go frizzy all over) My eyes were looking tired from dusting and cleaning the house all day.  This was my ego talking to my stomach saying, ‘ewww, we look bad'.  My stomach won out because it kept saying, ‘Yummy, bananas maybe even some yogurt, Fuji apples, oranges yum'!  Ok so fine, I touched up my hair as best as I could and went to town which was only two miles from where I live.   Cave Junction had two grocery stores at that time and it was a toss up which one I would go to. One store had a pretty good deal on apples but their bananas and yogurt were too expensive. The other one had everything I wanted at a good price except apples. So I went to Shop Smart where Fuji apples were 99 cents a pound but there was a sale on yogurt, banana's, and oranges.  I went to the fruit section, then to the dairy section, and had managed not to run into anyone I knew or God forbid.... a cute guy. Thinking I was pretty good at keeping a low profile on a bad hair day, and feeling pretty darn good about it  all of sudden standing in front of me was a very attractive man with beautiful friendly eyes smiling right at me!  Dam it, I was cornered! All I could do was smile back at him and move on fast before he noticed I looked like something the cat dragged in.  I made a hasty retreat past him and moved on to the register regretting that I did not feel good enough about how I looked to at least say hello or something.  Unbeknownst, to me he liked what the cat dragged in and was determined to find a way to talk to me.  While, I stood at the counter getting ready to purchase my items, I realized that the handsome man stood behind me and he only had one item in his hand.  Well, I thought the least I could do was allow him to go ahead of me. I motioned for him to go ahead mumbling something silly like, ‘I have more than you'.  He refused saying, ‘No that's ok'.  Ok this was too much for me because now he was up close and persona. I was finding myself taking sniffs in his general direction because I liked how he smelled. (that would be a chemical attraction working)It was manly but not pungent and then I found myself staring at his full lips and white teeth.  Suddenly I realized I was staring at his broad chest and at that point really insisted he go first.  The poor man sighed, acquiesced, and placed his bottle of Ginger beer (my favorite) on the counter to pay for it.  Whew,' ‘I thought, ‘Maybe if I am lucky he did not see my wandering eyes and this torture will soon be over'.  ‘Wait what is this', I thought, ‘why is he still standing there after he paid for his drink'?  I watched in horror while he scribbled something on his receipt and turned towards me to speak. ‘Oh No'!  ‘My name is Leo', the man said, ‘If you are not married or have a boyfriend, I would really love it if you called me sometime'. Handing the receipt to me, he flashed me another beautiful smile.  I was astounded! My hair was truly frizzy and I had my big bulky, trying to hide my figure coat on and my eyes were blood shot. I found out later all he saw was my smile, and yet he still wanted me to call him!  I was 43 years old at the time and I actually blushed and found myself stammering, ‘No, I have none of those. My name is Wendy and thank you' ‘Smooth really smooth, Wendy.'  With that, he turned and left the store leaving me with my mouth hanging open and the lady behind the register smiling, holding back the laughter at my stammering.  Let me tell you, I called him two days later (abiding by the two day rule) and 2 ½ years later, we are still together.  So I say, ‘On a bad hair day, you can still fall in love'.

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Today is a beautiful Saturday morning. My sweetheart and I are going to the Gem Show in Grants Pass.  We love looking at the crystals and moonstones etc. It is one of those things you dont have to spend allot of money but Wow your eyes feel all the more richer for the wonders infront of you. There are vendors from all over Oregon, California and Utah. They bring their best work and sometimes some extra little pieces they had left over that you can buy 10 for $1.00 which of course I do.  Not being cheap mind you but they look pretty in my flower box.  Which brings me to the other thought. I cant wait for the Plant Show in Grants Pass.  My sweetie is so patient with me. He walks all over with me and helps carry the plants I pick out for my garden. Spring is here and in the air!    Perhaps Sunday we will go to Ashland where there is a very nice dog park and our babies can rump and socialize with the others.

  So that is my weekend folks.  I hope you all enjoy yours as much as we are going to enjoy ours.

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Hello Ladies and Gents.

  Today I am a might bit disturbed about something that happened in my boyfriends life. 

I should start out by saying he recently lost his job due to a shoulder injury. 

 Being that he had lost his job he also lost his health benefits more to the point his dental benefits.  Now he had been having work done on his teeth and all that he needed  was the filing and a cap completed.

  He had informed the dental office that he had lost his job and was low on funds.  The dentist gave him some paperwork to show proof that he had not been working told him to fill this out and have someone sign it to verify the info (that would be me) so they could help him pay for the fill and cap. 

 He got on this right away in-between looking for suitable work that wouldn't hurt his shoulder further.  This man is a hard working man, he pays his taxes and keeps out of trouble and at this point feels hopeful to get his dental work finished. 

Hold on Dear reader this is the disturbing part. 

My love returns to the office with paperwork in hand filled out and feeling pretty good about life and the world in general.  He hands over the paperwork to the dentist and is then abruptly  taken to the back office where he is now informed that he has to pay today's visit in full!  Looking shocked he reminds them of the paperwork they asked him to fill out.

They tell him he does not qualify.  However if he was a transient or drug addicted or a single mom he would get all the work done he needed.    

    Hello What!  Does this make sense to you gentle reader?

 Don't get me wrong.  Single moms need all the help they can get that is just circumstances. Homeless people need help unless they choose to be homeless but who chooses that?  

 Drug addicts?!!  If someone is a meth addict would they still get new teeth?  That would be throwing good money after bad.  They would just mess them up all over again.  This is my disturbing thought.

People who really try to do the right thing, work hard and keep clean are punished. People who don't are rewarded. 

This is indeed a sad state of affairs.

                  Let me hear your thoughts on this matter.  Maybe it is just me that it bothers.  I am betting not.

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I turn to look he is not there.

I wait for a reply none comes.

I reach for him he is gone.  I sent him away.

 The pain is there and I allow myself to feel it wash through me.  He is gone. I sent him away.   He is gone yet I still breathe.  I breathe because I have to. I will live on because I want to.

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The moon moves through me and touches every thing that I am.   

 When the moon is waxing I become faintly mischievous and you may catch me winking at you.

  When the moon is full if you're truly observant you will catch a glimpse of the fairy child in me dancing and playing in the blue berry orchards. 

    When the moon is waning the child goes away. The adult returns filled with worries about life, love and the pursuit of anything and everything.  

  The laughing child reaches up, hugs her.  With a mischievous wink and smile says I love you.  Let's play the moon is full again and it's fun.

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In my dreams a man comes to me bringing smiles and kisses that wipe away my tears.

 He offers his hands to me, I except.

      We walk slowly, gently together holding hands, but soon our hands break apart to hold on to eachothers waist and we walk on.

  He hums a sweet tune as he guides me to the river. 

There I see he has made us a light lunch of cheese, apples, and grapes to fill our stomachs and strengthen us.

  On the shore by the river there is a blanket with light lunch of cheese, apples, and grapes to fill our stomachs and

 a basket filled with oils to rub all the aches in my body from the emotional pains in my life.

 I feel refreshed and whole again full of love for this man who has picked me to share his healing caresses with. 

   I reach my hands to his and he accepts them with such love, trust and pure honesty that I weep at the tenderness of his gaze.  I bring him to the river; shyly I remove his clothes and then my own. We move into the water together, I bathe him slowly massaging his body. I hear a sigh come from his lips as if he has been waiting a long time for this moment.  He smiles at me and invites me into his arms knowing that I have always belonged there and washes me in turn.  We lay our bodies down into the water letting it move over us our eyes never leaving eachother, our mouths never speaking yet our hearts speak volumes. 

    When we retire to the blanket we dry one another off with kisses.

The sun shines its approval and warms our wet naked bodies into a happy sleep dreaming about how good it will feel when we make love for eternity. 

  We wake up to find our arms and legs are entwined and realize it was not a dream but the reality of our beginning.

      We laugh, smile and weep tears of joy because we know that at last we are home.

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Well folks  the time has come for the citizens of our great country to speak out with one voice!   If we all agreed on a day where no one drove their cars at all.  Maybe on Martin Luther Kings birthday.  Free at last of high gas prices!   Do you know what that would do to all the big gas companies?  No one driving for just one day.  To have (if you will) a sit in for a day.  It would bring high gas prices to a halt.   You think I am being naive you could be right but I doubt it.  

  It is now up to the people of America to say Enough! We are not sheep to be taken to the slaughter.

We do have a voice and that has been proven again and again.  Please share your thoughts with me I am open to reading what you think.   Our government is obligating to hearing our thoughts we are the ones who put them there.  Maybe its time they remember that. 

 The big oil companies are out of control there is price Gauguin as if money grew on trees. It really needs to stop and its up to us Americans to show other countries why its important to have freedom of speech and that we are not afraid to use it.  

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